The first time I had been back to Estonia after the cold war ended, I was surprised to see how much it had changed. The old feeling that you were walking around in a black and white movie had been erased by modernity - for the most part. As Estonians are not Americans - and I, by no means, believe they should be - their old habits and mores continue to prevail, which is nice. That's one of the things that keeps Estonia interesting.
Since this little charming country is so unknown to most of the uninformed masses of the universe, my sister Mindy and I decided to recruit a few "others" to come back to the old country for a spell. Mindy had a friend - a teacher of small children, who had a sister - a born-again mother of two, both of whom were looking for a little adventure. For good measure and so that I wouldn't be drowning in their estrogen, we took along my cousin Jingo, the scientist. Woo hoo!
Now, in the old country we had lots of fun visiting the sights and eating pork, but one particular day, we visited the house of the son of one of my father's old friends. It seemed like a perfectly innocent way to get to know some real Estonians and to show our American friends how Estonians socialize.
Boy, did we show 'em.
After some light conversation and a bowl of "vorstid", our host, let's call him Jaan, told us that he wanted to share the Estonian traditional sauna with us, or "sow-nah" as they call it. This seemingly innocent offer was greeted enthusiastically with a "sure", and "why not" by all...even the Born-again. Why wouldn't it be, right? I mean, Americans sometimes don't think about the origins of such things and of how they do things in Rome, if you know what I mean.
"So, are we going to do boys and girls together or just girls and then boys?", asked Jaan with a smirk.
Janet, the teacher friend of my sister, seemed confused. "Why do we need to go just girls and then boys"?
I chimed in, "well, I just want to make it clear, that Mindy and I do not make a habit of hanging out in the nude together. I have never seen her naked, nor do I want to and I'm pretty sure that is mutual. My family doesn't roll like that."
"Ha! You're funny", Jaan shot back. "OK, so you girls go in now while I get some more wood for the 'sow-na'. We have traditional wood 'sow-na' in my house!"
With that, he took off and the girls all got into their bathing suits (except Jaan's wife who skipped the suit and opted to cover her nakedness with a simple white towel) while Jingo and I waited in the dining area and Jaan disappeared to go get wood.
Within a minute, the girls were all in the roomy sauna absorbing the heat while Jaan came back to the dining room stark butt-ass nekid! (At least the only wood he had was for the sauna heater.) Jingo and I were slightly taken aback as he threw us a couple of towels and marched his naked ass toward the sauna.
"I hope he's not going to go in there like that with Mindy and the girls!", said Jingo.
"I think he already has", I said, fully expecting the girls to come screaming out of the sauna in the next five seconds.
Jingo and I waited for the outpouring. Five, four, three, two, one....nada.
"What's going on?"
"Mindy must be having a heart attack." We'd better go in.
Being culturally sensitive, we stripped down, but toweled up and entered the sauna to find:
Jaan, scrunched naked in the corner next to his towel-clad wife while Mindy and Janet sat on the other side grinning. The Born-again was visibly terrified, shaking in the other corner, looking down.
"It's hot in here", I chimed in, in order to break the awkwardest silence ever.
"Now dat we have made sweat, we should go on the porch and drink some beers!"
The Born-again, seemed relieved when Jaan said that. I think she hoped "things" would get back to normal, or at least back in someone's pants.
Little did she know...what she had just been through was just the glaze on the donut.
As we all piled outside to enjoy the breeze, Jaan lead the way with us following his behind. Once we had all sat on the chairs, conveniently pre-arranged in a circle, Jaan strutted up to the Born-again, penis leading the way, to ask her first. "Would you like beer or some other beverage?"
The Born-again was shivering. Not from the cold, but from the penis.
"No, I'm good, th-th-thanks."
His junk was no less than 10 inches from her face before he turned away and went to the kitchen to get the beers.
He came back and distributed them, much to the amusement or discomfort of the group members, depending on the person. Sensing how fragile and uncomfortable the Born-again was, Jaan took the seat directly across from her so she could get the best possible view of his special purpose.
Sometimes I feel slightly ashamed of myself for not defending the poor Born-again, but then I think, "Naa."
