Why I Think it's Disturbing When People Accidentally Sit on Things that Get Lodged in their Ass

Okay, so I'm straying from my usual personal history today to get something off my chest.

A recent conversation I had with a radiologist has had the rusty wheels in my head doing quite a bit of spinning lately.

He told me about something that I had heard before but it was second-hand information so I took it less seriously. Now I feel I must speak out.

What really bothers me is that we live in a society where people regularly go to emergency rooms at various hospitals around the world complaining of stomach pain. Once they are x-rayed it is discovered that a large object such as a flashlight, a reading lamp, a cell phone or (most commonly) a vibrator has been lodged in the intenstine, most likely through the anus.

When asked how this object got into their intestines, most patients seem to answer that "they accidentally sat on it".

How, is the question that immediatly comes to the mind of the Radiologist, but is seldom asked. You see, we live in a society where people are okay with randomly sticking large electrical devices through the sphincter and subsequently losing them, but those same people will be offended if you ask them why they did that. So, they lie. They say they sat on them.

Now, even if I'm completely naked and reading a really engrossing novel or watching game seven of the NBA finals and it's in overtime, I don't think I'm going to accidentally sit on my umbrella (which is so oddly placed on my sofa as to be ready to penetrate my clenched sphincter) so hard that it will go up my ass and I'll lose it there. It just can't happen.

Of course, I might get e-mails from random readers who will insist that yes, indeed it is possible to sit on your cell phone and have it travel through your intestines. But I don't buy it. End of story. Even if you're "used to" having things shoved up your ass, a big Hello Kitty vibrator won't just slip in without you putting in a little effort.

Now as to why it bothers me so.

The fact is, there are a lot of problems going on in the world. People are dying in wars and famine. Cancer, AIDS, bird flu - countless diseases take lives every day. But there are people who have so little in their lives that they are sitting around their houses and apartments in big cities like New York - probably making more in a year than I will ever make in my lifetime - searching their dwellings for the biggest knickknack that can possibly fit through the anal orifice in the hope that it will give them some kind of pleasure.

I say these people need to be hurded like bored cattle and sent to Lebenon to stand at the frontlines and protect the innocent - take a grenade or two for some child who has nothing.
It would save insurance companies some money on patients who don't deserve coverage.

That brings to mind a good question: is that covered?

Sick All the Time

I'm sick today and I haven't entered anything for a while. I've been busy getting engaged and all that jazz. Anyway, I'm sick and have been reflecting on the fact that I have a crappy immune system and as it's my style to find ways to blame other people for any and all of my problems, I have decided it's my mother's fault that I am sick.

Why? How? Those are fair questions and I have the answers.

First off, my mother didn't breast feed me.

Need I say more?

My body lacks the antibodies to fight diseases! All because my mother was too shy to breastfeed! Oh, that upsets me.

I investigated by using the modern day bible, AKA, "the net" and found this:
"Human milk is baby's first immunization. It provides antibodies which protect baby from many common respiratory and intestinal diseases, and also contains living immune cells. First milk, colostrum, is packed with components which increase immunity and protect the newborn's intestines. Artificially fed babies have higher rates of middle ear infections, pneumonia, and cases of gastroenteritis (stomach flu). Breastfeeding as an infant also provides protection from developing immune system cancers such as lymphoma, bowel diseases such as Crohn's disease and celiac sprue, and juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, all of which are related to immune system function. And breastfed babies generally mount a more effective response to childhood immunizations. In all these cases, benefits begin immediately, and increase with increasing duration of breastfeeding."

I am not sure what is more disturbing - the information that my mother has left me with a sub-par immune system of the part where it says "Breastfeeding as an infant also provides protection from developing immune system cancers..." which suggests that some might breasfeed as non-infants.

So there really is not "second off" as I don't think there is any more evidence that I need to present.

That being said, I don't really blame my mother for not breast feeding me. If I were a woman I would not want some baby sucking my tit either. It's just gross. If I can get it in a can, why the hell not get it in a can. Isn't that called progress?

So, now I think I might want to blame the scientific community for not better replicating breastmilk. Hell, with all the money being poured into research for every kind of crap you can think of, why can't they develop formulae that exceed the health benefits of natural breastmilk?

I blame society, the scientific community, the government, my teachers, the national parks department, and any organization that has ever received public funds.