Okay, so I'm straying from my usual personal history today to get something off my chest.
A recent conversation I had with a radiologist has had the rusty wheels in my head doing quite a bit of spinning lately.
He told me about something that I had heard before but it was second-hand information so I took it less seriously. Now I feel I must speak out.
What really bothers me is that we live in a society where people regularly go to emergency rooms at various hospitals around the world complaining of stomach pain. Once they are x-rayed it is discovered that a large object such as a flashlight, a reading lamp, a cell phone or (most commonly) a vibrator has been lodged in the intenstine, most likely through the anus.
When asked how this object got into their intestines, most patients seem to answer that "they accidentally sat on it".
How, is the question that immediatly comes to the mind of the Radiologist, but is seldom asked. You see, we live in a society where people are okay with randomly sticking large electrical devices through the sphincter and subsequently losing them, but those same people will be offended if you ask them why they did that. So, they lie. They say they sat on them.
Now, even if I'm completely naked and reading a really engrossing novel or watching game seven of the NBA finals and it's in overtime, I don't think I'm going to accidentally sit on my umbrella (which is so oddly placed on my sofa as to be ready to penetrate my clenched sphincter) so hard that it will go up my ass and I'll lose it there. It just can't happen.
Of course, I might get e-mails from random readers who will insist that yes, indeed it is possible to sit on your cell phone and have it travel through your intestines. But I don't buy it. End of story. Even if you're "used to" having things shoved up your ass, a big Hello Kitty vibrator won't just slip in without you putting in a little effort.
Now as to why it bothers me so.
The fact is, there are a lot of problems going on in the world. People are dying in wars and famine. Cancer, AIDS, bird flu - countless diseases take lives every day. But there are people who have so little in their lives that they are sitting around their houses and apartments in big cities like New York - probably making more in a year than I will ever make in my lifetime - searching their dwellings for the biggest knickknack that can possibly fit through the anal orifice in the hope that it will give them some kind of pleasure.
I say these people need to be hurded like bored cattle and sent to Lebenon to stand at the frontlines and protect the innocent - take a grenade or two for some child who has nothing.
It would save insurance companies some money on patients who don't deserve coverage.
That brings to mind a good question: is that covered?
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