If I Ruled The World - OR - When I'm Dictator of The World, I'll...

Nostradamus' ghost seems hell bent on ruining the future. His predictions are so full of death and destruction that it just makes me wonder why anyone would want to read his cryptic "prophecies", much less make them into TV specials for the History Channel. Truth be told, I wanted to watch the latest "Lost Book of Nostradamus" but I've been so overly occupied that I didn't get a chance to see it on The History Channel. Now that I've analyzed the situation, I believe the right course of action is for me never to watch the show. For one thing, I saw that movie documentary that the dude from Citizen Kane and those Paul Masson commercials made before his heart exploded from fatness. I saw it when I was just a child and it basically stayed with me for my entire life. I grew up SURE that New York (my home town) was going to be blown to smithereens by turban-wearing terrorists. When I got off the subway at 9:AM on Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, late for work, seeing all the nacos on the street running at that ungodly hour and looking south on Canal, toward the hole in the first hit tower, and then seeing the second plane hit the other tower, my mind went immediately to that old documentary Orson Welles did. I remembered seeing cartoons of zombie-like people in the streets of what was called "new city". I remembered those re-enactments showing an Arab man ordering rockets to be shot toward New York. None of these thoughts were pleasant at all. They just fed a paranoia that had been deeply embedded in my brain - has been, actually. The point is, I have come to believe - or hope, that since Nostradamus, or Nos, as I like to call him, was just another quack who somehow got worldwide attention and created a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. As such, these SFPs can become SUPs or Self-Unfulfilled Prophecies. One of the ways I would like help facilitate this SFP to SUP process is to declare myself a prophet, gain worldwide acceptance and then, turn things around on old Nos and prophesy that Superman will fight the terrorists, wipe out the virus and zap the meteor out of the sky, saving the Earth for at least the next million years. I think I have quack potential. Don't you? The best part about all this is that people would love me and I'd then, hopefully, get to rule the world. Then I could really start making changes. The first thing I'd do is make public transportation free. Nobody should have to pay for the crap we get - at least in New York City. I'm soooooo sick of the subway. It's easily the most miserable part of my day, standing on the trains amidst the masses of funkmeisters carrying luggage! What the H E double hockey sticks is up with these people carrying their damn wheeled luggage on the rush-hour trains? Have we really gotten so lazy that we can't pick up and carry our briefcases? What amount of crap do people need to carry around? Those people really squeeze my bojangles. The next thing I'd like to do is create a worldwide currency to facilitate travel. Of course this would wipe out several businesses but I would be a world leader unsympathetic to the money mongers of the Earth and I wouldn't listen to their cries. Next I would put a hold on all the wars until each warring tribe/nation/ethnic group writes me up a 10,000 word essay on why they need to win their respective wars. The winning essay would get a year's-supply of fruit and meat. The next thing I would do would be to remove all gym equipment from prisons around the world. Why are we letting these people get stronger? Isn't that dangerous? I'd also like to remove all metal/plastic and glass from the prisons...except for the bars, of course. For my final decree, before retiring to my secret Empirical Palace in Mauritius, I would create a flat tax of 10% worldwide and set a salary cap on all world employees of 200,000 World Dollars...which would be something like a Euros, only less snotty.